Why is this such a big deal?
Then it dawned on me. I was usually quite inebriated and could dig in without hesitation and gusto. After all, especially in those situations, it's about machismo and any hesitation would show weakness. So that was the dilemma. I couldn't have my liquid courage first because the courage was IN the can!!!
I finally decided to open the can and just go for it.
By now you know I like to sidetrack in order to set up the next scene so pardon me while I do so right now.
MANY of us have that one thing that you just can NEVER drink again because of some ill-fated event. Please fill in the blanks:
I can NEVER drink (insert liquor here) because I got sick on it at a (frat party in college, pit party in high school, stole it from my parents liquor cabinet in junior high).
That's what happened when I opened the can. A flood of memories came back. I'll give you the summarized version since I know this review is taking too long already.
Here are the facts:
Block Island, RI 1989
College binging weekend from Thursday to Sunday
Return to mainland on Sunday afternoon
ROCKY boatride in the hot sun with the worst hangover ever.
The boat smelled of stale beer, the air smelled of rotting fish and in my mouth was the worst bloody mary ever.
At that point the contents of every inch of my insides made a run for the ocean.
When I opened the Chelada that's the memory that came back. As I pured the reddish contents into a glass and saw that ominous pink head grow I could smell the stale beer, smell the ocean from the clam juice and almost taste the tomato. Every digestive muscle was contracting at this point. Nineteen years of suppressing that memory and promising myself I would never ride on a boat, in the summer, with a hangover and a bloody Mary came flooding back.
Here is my "photodocumentary"
The Infamous Can!!
The pinkish "head"
The first whiff!
By now I was committed. There was no turning back. No matter what I would defeat the urge to run to the bathroom and complete my mission. The mission that involved two coasts and an exhaustive search. This sip was for now my destiny and the result..........
This was my initial reaction. It tasted just like it sounded. Stale beer, salty/fishy tomato juice, yet no "hint" of lime whatsoever!!! Seriously my first reaction was the same one would get drinking an old PBR with sardine juice mixed in. Not too appetizing eh?
Now I'm not sure what happened next, as always the warmness of the alcohol spread through my stomach and washed through my head. Maybe it was the shock of the first sip or maybe it was the alcohol affecting my frontal lobe but something was happening.
I was actually going in for more. WTF!?!?!
I knew this was horrible and I wasn't even really enjoying it...... yet...I couldn't put it down. Must be MSG?!? I seriously couldn't stop drinking it. I will say this again THIS STUFF IS CRAP!!!! Yet I couldn't stop drinking it. I felt defeated.
It dawned on me again, those friggin execs at Anheiser-Busch are geniuses. Mix anything with booze and eventually people will be so buzzed they will keep drinking it. What a great way to utilize some of the crap going to waste on our grocery store shelves. Way to go Anheiser-Busch!
Next they'll have Bud and Cheese Whiz, Bud Light and Carrot Juice, Bud and Prune Juice for the elderly....
This experience took place on March 16th, today is April 27th. It is beyond my scope of reason but since then I have consumed over 12 cans of this crap. I feel embarrassed and ashamed....
WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
By now I was committed. There was no turning back. No matter what I would defeat the urge to run to the bathroom and complete my mission. The mission that involved two coasts and an exhaustive search. This sip was for now my destiny and the result..........
This was my initial reaction. It tasted just like it sounded. Stale beer, salty/fishy tomato juice, yet no "hint" of lime whatsoever!!! Seriously my first reaction was the same one would get drinking an old PBR with sardine juice mixed in. Not too appetizing eh?
Now I'm not sure what happened next, as always the warmness of the alcohol spread through my stomach and washed through my head. Maybe it was the shock of the first sip or maybe it was the alcohol affecting my frontal lobe but something was happening.
I was actually going in for more. WTF!?!?!I knew this was horrible and I wasn't even really enjoying it...... yet...I couldn't put it down. Must be MSG?!? I seriously couldn't stop drinking it. I will say this again THIS STUFF IS CRAP!!!! Yet I couldn't stop drinking it. I felt defeated.
It dawned on me again, those friggin execs at Anheiser-Busch are geniuses. Mix anything with booze and eventually people will be so buzzed they will keep drinking it. What a great way to utilize some of the crap going to waste on our grocery store shelves. Way to go Anheiser-Busch!
Next they'll have Bud and Cheese Whiz, Bud Light and Carrot Juice, Bud and Prune Juice for the elderly....
This experience took place on March 16th, today is April 27th. It is beyond my scope of reason but since then I have consumed over 12 cans of this crap. I feel embarrassed and ashamed....
WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
4 comments:
David, David, David,
For SHAME!! I'm at a loss for why you would encourage the executives down at Anheiser-Busch to continue to serve us this utter crap! Beer with salty clam tomato juice...beer with an extra large dose of caffeine...beer with UTTER LACK OF TASTE OR QUALITY!!
Do we drink our beer my friend strictly for the buzz? I understand from the gentlemen that live under the local bridge that you can drink mouthwash for a buzz, rubbing alcohol for a buzz, or perhaps your favorite flavor of cough medicine. Is this how we 'roll'? NO! We are drinkers of beer, or spirits, or great glasses of wine, for ENJOYMENT, FLAVOR, AND dare I suggest LOVE.
We must take this responsibility seriously and with pride. We must tell the 'Man' that we are not you lab rats...satisfied to drink whatever you place in our chilled mugs simply because you ring the bell. NO...we are professionals...we have values...we stand up for the commoner, the little man, the uneducated...and we know CRAP WHEN IT IS SERVED TO US!
You have chastised but forgiven...go forth and sin no more!
Murph
Murph!
Just kick me when I'm down why don't you!
I think you might have missed the sarcasm, the utter shame at the end and the fact that I did use the adjective crap several times.
I, like a puppy that had an accident on the floor, feel your smack from a newspaper and will now go back to my cage.
If it makes you feel any better I did make my own concoction using Clamato and Stella Artois!
Seriously though my goal wasn't to encourage the peddlars of bridge dwelling refreshments, but to take a hit for the masses. It's better that one of us try it and tell others not to than for everyone to try it and give AB the impression that it's a great selling item.
Thanks for writing in Murph. I will also go down to the local church and repent my sins right after I flog myself!
Dave,
Alas, I fear my healthy sense of sarcasm was lost in my last posting as well...but since it was misplaced, BACK TO YOUR KENNEL YOU MANGY CUR! (not really of course my friend).
I can see where the pull is by the evil piss beer empire though...this weekend as I'm comfortably perched upon my couch taking in some quality Red Sox baseball I am assaulted by adds for new Bud with Lime. The commercial leads me to believe that Summer and good times cannot possibly start without cool refreshing beer accented with a tasty hint of lime...I was tempted!
The cold beer with a dash of lime strikes a cord in me to my traveling days in Mexico. My beautiful wife and I enjoying long carefree sunny days on the beach...warm salty water...para-gliding on the shore...and cold Coronas with fresh cut lime by the bucketful. The beer was unregulated so you could pour a 6% one glass and a 12+% the next...good times.
So all of this leads me to a place of understanding. Even as I write this response this fine Monday morning, my mouth waters at the IDEA of crisp cold beer and lime...damn A.B. and their beer marketing genius preying on our poor unsuspecting mouths!
Perhaps you can taste test this one for us next Dave??
Murph
No chance Murph! I feel trashy enough as it is just trying the Chelada.
Let me know when you come into town for new ink and maybe I'll split a six of them with you!
We can drink some of the "good" stuff first so we feel less dirty! HAHA
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